Today was a good day, I watched my kids play and I also watched Netflix. I don't think about my past very much anymore cause it makes me mad when I do. I can say this, I miss my childhood and wish I could have the fun days back, but I know I can't since I am 38 years old but I can wish can't I? My family helps me in ways that I can't help myself in, they keep me happy and calm, I do have my days that I don't want to be around anyone but then my daughter comes and lays by me, she makes me feel like I can live one more day. My son has Autism and he does his own thing but knowing that he loves me makes me stronger. My husband maybe a pain in the ass but I love him with everything I have. My friends are not around and the rest of my family is not around so I really don't have anyone to talk to about what is bothering me if I get depressed, I can talk to my husband but since he has not idea what I went through it will not help. I have never fought in a war but having PTSD because of past abuse has been hard me, I need help and I can't seem to find it when I need it. My insurance sucks and it is much easier to just write down my feelings then talk about them lately. If any of you think I am wanting a pitty party you are wrong, I just want someone to understand I am a survivor of child abuse and spousal abuse from my last marriage. If you have not been in that situation then you don't know what it is like to suffer depression and mistrust. The ones that have know what it is like to walk on egg shells around worried the wrong word or action will set them off. That is how I felt, I cheated on my ex husband but with the hell he put me through, I had to do something to be happy. I know that was not the right way to handle it but if I had not, I never would have met the man I am married to today.

All the stuff I went through growing up is coming back to me in my memory and I thought I got rid of all of it. Remembering my father and step mother abusing me in different ways, my mom taking me out with one of her Johns and going at it while I am hiding in the closet, my ex husband verbally, emotionally and physically abusing me has piled on me and I need help to get it off me. I was told by people that saw my ex husband hit me say I deserved to get hit and have a busted lip. After that I believed that what he dished out I did deserve it. To this day I still have fear about it and tell myself that I deserve to live in fear when I shouldn't have to live in fear of the abuse happening again.

Trip gone bad.

Well we are in Topeka but you will not believe what happen before that. We left Oklahoma City and all was going good. We get past the second rest stop and all of a sudden our car started jerking and we just thought it was the wind. Then the car started it more and more so we pulled the car over and right as we got it to the side of the road it died on us. The car starts but doesn't stay started for long. So thanks to us having cell phones and family in Kansas we got to Topeka but the car had to be left over night. I do want to say thank you to the officer that came to check on us and the truck driver that pulled over to make sure we were okay. Well going to close this for now so I can help with the kids. I will let you know what actually happen to the car.

All is going well with the kids being in school and they are enjoying it so much. I start my classes on Friday and I can't wait.

Well the kids are in school and we got the results from our sons Autism test and he has Autism, so now we can finally get stuff he needs without being told he don't have Autism. Savannah is enjoying school and making friends which is a good thing. She likes her teacher but when she gets home she is so tired from playing and learning all day. Me I am just at home relaxing and watching movies and shows that is hard to watch when the kids are home. I saw one movie I liked called Moms Night Out and it was so funny, but seeing the moms on there and the way the kids drive them crazy, makes me feel like I need a night out with friends to just enjoy the time away from home, while the hubby watches the kids. I wouldn't trade being a parent for the world but there is just times where a mom needs to be around other moms and enjoy adult time.

Well I have had such a crappy year and I am hoping that 2014 is going to be a better year for me and my family. My son is starting to say words and he is writing them out so we can communicate with him. Savannah is starting to learn she is not the boss in this household. It is funny how they are learning things that I have tried to teach them when they started walking. They actually started picking up their room when they knew they were going to loose the tablets for 1 week. I was shocked and now Savannah fell asleep in her own bed tonight. When life happens it happens very fast and the kids grow even faster than you expect. As for my husband and myself, we are doing ok. We have our fights but we make up after and I know he loves me but why can't he show it more often? I also have wonderful friends and would not trade them for the world, as to the rest of my family we are strong and we have shown time after time that we can make it through anything no matter what it is.

Well my mom is back in OKC but now she thinks that being out of my life for as long as she has gives her the right to try and run me. I am turning 37 on October 18th and all she wants to is say I have to accept her husband or I don't need to accept her. What kind of a loving parent would say that to her own blood. I have never saw eye to eye with him cause he is ruling over her and she has been so brain washed she can't even see it. I met him when I was 19 and to this day he never gave any of my family the respect we deserve. So why should we respect him? He tells her that their marriage is over if she don't go along with what he wants and when I point out that it is him ruling over her she says oh he don't rule me and that is how he is. If any of you have advise I would love to hear your feedback on this.